I’ve only known Beem (Beam? Bihm? Beaym?) a couple days. Nine to be exact. I have learned over those nine days however, that it all makes sense that she’s ditching the gang at 536 Broadway. She’s a quitter. I should know, I sit next to her, where a former quitter used to sit. And where a former quitter before him sat. She quits. I don’t think it’s an epidemic of the south side, I think she is, at her deepest core, a quitter. I’ve seen her planting summer squash in Farmville and not finish the job. I have seen her pick up the phone to put the Beam (Byeam? Beium? Boom-Boom?) smack down on some account schnook she’s about to tear a new one, and then abandon her tirade half way through and, well, quit. Last Tuesday, I was privy to a moment where she began to take off her knock-off Ann Taylor flat to scratch her left ankle. Take a wild fucking guess where that left ankle scratch went. She. Quit. She is perhaps one of the greatest quitters in the history of quitters, and, as of Thursday at 5:59 pm, she joins other illustrious quitters in history, including:
Gary Hart
Lenny Dykstra
Scott Baio from Joannie Loves Chachi
Lucas Bly
Bruce Jenner
Loomis Fargo, Well’s lesser-known brother who quit to start a stagecoach business
Teamo, the fourth Three Stooge who quit before shooting began in 1935
The guy who was supposed to be keeping checkie on Abraham Lincoln at Ford Theatre
Oprah
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